I’m very sick with flu symptoms and it’s very possible that it could be swine flu..
I’m scared. Not so much of dying, but of the mess I will leave behind me.
Last night I woke up at 5, severely dehydrated. I drank 40oz of water and crawled back to bed. Suddenly in a very odd lucid dream that seemed so real, i saw myself in a hospital, with Des, Delvone, Mom, Jake, and Justin in front of me. I started talking audibly to them all (Mind you I was awake). I apologized mostly. I was making jokes, Told Jake to write a song about me that blows Bayside out of the water, Told Justin that I wanted him to be a stand up comedian and to tell jokes about our misadventures, I told Del I was sorry for everything and that I do love him. I told Desi the most things. Mostly my funeral and what song I want played at it. I had been crying and laughing this entire time. I could barely get words out to my mother. I apologized to her for how bad of a son I had been in life (she didn’t agree), I told her I loved her and nothing could ever change that. After I talked to everyone I told the group that I would come back in their dreams and bug them. I told Des and Jake that Arcadia Is Burning will always live on in the dreams I share with them. When they all left, I started talking to God. I asked Him if he could make me a promise. I asked Him, “If He was going to take me, then He had to heal my mom and to give her the life she always deserved.” It felt like God said yes. I was shivering beyond belief in my bed. I know I was awake and yet I also knew I wasn’t in a hospital. That was a very scary moment in my life.
I don’t want to die. I mean, why would God make such a fuss to keep my premature ass alive, if I wasn’t meant to live a full life? I’ve always been trying to affect people’s lives, but i don’t feel like I have. I have so much more to do in life.
I’m so scared. I don’t want to die yet…
I haven’t played my guitar sinceI got sick. I’ve missed school, work, and life. My chest hurts so bad. This is the worst experience in my life thus far. But dear God, don’t feel pity for me. Death, to me, is a release from all the bad in life. It should be celebrated. I guess what I’m so afraid of is the unknown parts of what is going on.
My head is pounding so I must go.
Thanks for reading.
you calm the fuck down, you’re not going anywhere. It’s actually surprising how life will work out, I found out today that Sera is alive. You’re my friend and you’re not gonna die from some fucking strain of the flu. Take this chance to really think about what you want in your life, what you really want. Be honest with yourself, live a life that will make your children proud. I know you can do this. I’m already proud of you, now make you proud of yourself. You will be free in a matter of hours, seconds.
