When i was separated from someone, be it a family member or friend or whatever, for a long time, i used to assume they’d changed and i hadn’t. I would think that i would see them sometime somewhere in life and they’d see me and go “yep there’s Jake still looks the same, does the same shit” and I’d see them doing some interesting things with interesting people i have never met and go “wow! how come i don’t ever change?”. Especially if there was some sort of conflict between me and them and it was like i wasn’t worth reconciling with, they’d just get new friends. But as i got older i realized that to be jealous of other people’s progression in life was pointless because somewhere along the line i became really happy all the time. I have always been a very gullible and naive person so i would believe these fables that people would tell me about their incredible lives and feel i was insignificant. I had a cousin who would tell me his epics and i used to think he was an amazing and brave person. I saw him again when i was like 18 or something and he told me another story of his and i was genuinely thought “wow dude awesome shit happens to you!” my mom happened to be there and afterwords she told me that it was a lie. I thought “nah he wouldn’t lie to me” she told me to really think about what he said and see if the probability is likely, at all, whatsoever. So i did and i realized that yeah that it didn’t actually happen, but something was weird. If i was younger i probably would’ve gotten mad that he had lied to me, but i wasn’t mad at all i thought wow i was just so happy to see him that it didn’t matter whether or not some impossible thing happened somewhere, sometime, what only mattered was right here right now. And it put into perspective that i was actually happy and not jealous of other people and that i didn’t feel insignificant. And THAT was a great feeling. I saw my dad for the first time in like 3 years, we painted the deck for like 8 eight hours just talking and laughing like no time had passed at all. I realized that things change and things stay the same, That i had actually no control over anything that happens in this life, that i had to just accept it as the way things are just going to be. And with a sense of kinda sad resignation i felt a little up and a little down.
If this seems all over the place and non sense making that’s because it is, my head is full of jumbled ADD and trying to write something meaningful is kinda tough. But the key here is no control and that is all you have.